Top 5 Things No One Wants to See in 2013

It’s a rundown of everything we endured in 2012 that we really need to sweep under the rug for 2013 because it’s more than run its course. And sure, 2013 will have a whole new batch of awful crap no one enjoys by the end of the year, but that’s 2013’s cross to bear.

So come, rant with me about the suckitude of the year gone by and why we don’t need to experience any of this shit again come 2013.

5. Swag
“Swag” is overrunning the lexicon like a lazy-eyed horse traipsing across the countryside with no regard for what it’s doing. Do you ever say “phat” any more?  Do you still get “jiggy” with it? Do you have any “gnarly” or “radical” plans for the weekend? Oh, and by the way, wassssssssuppppppp?

Your shitty, flavor of the moment fad slang is tiresome. English has plenty of fine words already. Stop misusing them and then forgetting them a month later, they’re not turn of the century French prostitutes.

4. Hashtag
So help me God I heard someone say this out loud the other day and I think a blood vessel burst. Unless you’re Diablo Cody desperately grasping at lingo no one uses in a real world setting, you don’t say “hashtag” out loud. Hash tags are lazy on Twitter for God’s sake. They’re not a real thing. It’s a way of trying to link a thought across a limited space. Twitter has 140 characters. Your shitty brain should be able to accommodate more. Your easy embracing of pop culture isn’t charming, it makes you sound like a desperate for approval and acknowledgement twat.
How did this become a rallying cry for morons who can’t think? I guess because it’s not a real word. Best to abbreviate and short form everything as much as we can.

Everyone tends to only live once and that’s been the norm for some time now.  Nonetheless, there’s no point letting that cause you to be an insufferable doucher. We all know the number of times we’re going to live and we don’t have to shop on Etsy for beard hats to somehow represent that.

2. Chris Brown
Do you know when Chris Brown beat up Rihanna? It was 2009. For 3 years we’ve been saddled with this unapologetic, remorseless, tactless, half-talent ass-clown who lacks all self-control and cannot seem to shut up riding low on a wave of public revulsion from his sad, pathetic acts. And you’re trying to convince us he wouldn’t be forgotten in a month if someone just tried to pawn off another of the million  hip-hop artists who sound exactly like him in his place? Maybe a guy who hasn’t smashed his girlfriend’s face into a window? Try it, music industry. Just try it.

1. Gangnam Style
It’s not the style of music I listen to so I was not enamored with it but I recognized it as catchy and could tell the video was goofy enough that people would like it. And then I heard it every single day since. Every single day. Even Psy, the guy who sings this song, doesn’t like it any more. Do you know how many years it took Kurt Cobain to get sick of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”? It took just 4 months.

Gangnam Style is this year’s something awful by LMFAO. Why do consumers of pop music latch onto a song so voraciously and run it into the ground? I don’t know. But all it does is breed resentment. I had nothing against this song and I despise it now because familiarity breeds contempt and being smothered by the sweaty armpit of a barely tolerable song every day for months breeds pure, seething rage.
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