Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Watched: Rise of The Guardians! Paranormal Activity! Silent Hill!


Rise of The Guardians
I feel the laziness oozing off of this film. “Let’s make a movie where holiday icons have to get together and do such and such! Awesome! We’ll have Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and…shit.” So then they come up with Jack Frost, the Tooth Fairy and the goddamn Sandman? So it’s not holiday icons; it’s just things we lie about to kids? 

In a nutshell: I’m guessing they have to overcome some kind of villain like the Spirit of April Fool’s Day or whatever, and it seems like all is lost when there’s 30 minutes left in the movie, but then they all pull together and win and everyone is happy.  So there you go, no need to pay to see it.


Paranormal Activity 4
If the people at the end of the Paranormal Activity movies weren’t all dead, some documentary producer should hire them. These people have their cameras on all the time, and they certainly know a thing or two about framing. Boo.

In a nutshell: Possessed children are the most terrifying thing ever created by God and/or Satan.


Silent Hill: Revelation
I liked the first Silent Hill movie, not because it was in any way well written, but it was pretty creepy shit. That’s not easy to find in horror movies, and the implication of what the story was about was actually cool. Basically some dicks tried to kill this little girl for being a witch only it didn’t work and then she went all batshit and this evil little demon inside of her made a whole nightmare world for everyone to live in and be tortured in. Then it falls apart later when just any old person can get tortured there, but whatever. It was cool on the surface. Then this sequel shows up.

Of course I haven’t seen the movie, that’s the point, but I will say that when the CG in your trailer looks worse than cut scenes in video games, you’ve screwed up. The trailers are supposed to show the good stuff to make me want to see your movie.  The ads for “Silent Hill: Revelation” are a hot mess of turd and confusion.

In a nutshell: Usually I’ll take this time to say maybe it’s really a good movie but honestly, we all know there’s no hope for this one.
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