Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Watched: Taken 2! Hotel Transylvania! Ted!

Taken 2
When I need some encouragement or prodding, I’d like to have a program that generates MP3s of Liam Neeson sternly whispering orders to me.

“I want you to wake up, get out of bed, and go into the shower. Do not hit your snooze button again.”

“Listen to me carefully. Pack the car. And drive to your mother-in-law’s now. No deviations. Do you understand?”

I didn’t particularly like the first “Taken,” but watching a grizzled Neeson kick the crap out of baddies is immeasurably watchable no matter what the context. So when is Hollywood going to get it and just place Jason Statham and Neeson in a film together? It doesn’t even need a plot. They can battle each other, team up, or battle each other and then team up. Who cares? Someone just needs to make it happen.

In a nutshell: This is going to be so good. I’m so glad he’s not a childless bachelor.



Ted
This movie has Seth McFarlane’s name behind it, which means it automatically has a built-in audience, but it also automatically has a group of people who probably won’t want to see it because they hate “Family Guy.” Or “American Dad.”  Or “The Cleveland Show,” which I think everyone hates.

In a nutshell: The upshot of this movie is that a foul-mouthed bear is funny and the basic idea is really clever. The downside is Mark fucking Walberg, who’s like Hollywood’s answer to leprosy. 



Hotel Transylvania
I think this is about cartoon Dracula installing toilet cams in a hotel. Seems a bit austere for children, but I’m no Hollywood executive.

In a nutshell: Everyone will go see this and either love it or lament how it’s not Pixar because Pixar is the cartoon version of a blowjob.
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