Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Watched: Alex Cross! Looper! Sinister! Argo!

Alex Cross
The last time I saw Alex Cross, he was played by Morgan Freeman. This time he’s Tyler Perry. Someone must be shitting someone else here.  The jump from Morgan Freeman to Tyler Perry is like Scarlett Johansson to Rosie O’Donnell.  It’s like filet mignon to the dumpster behind an Olive Garden. It’s like a 4-way with 3 hot chicks to a Fleshlight made out of an old boot with a hole worn in the heel. So yeah, don’t bother.

In a nutshell: Duh.

Tommy from “3rd Rock from the Sun” got super famous a couple of years ago because of “Inception,” I guess? I dunno, now he’s Batman and whatnot and everyone loves him even though his spot hosting SNL kind of sucked.

This movie is about Tommy killing Bruce Willis in the future or something. Or maybe Bruce Willis comes back in time to kill Brad Pitt and some monkeys, I’m not sure. I hope at the end we find out John Lithgow was masterminding the whole thing and then French Stewart gets killed by someone.

In a nutshell: This movie will do OK because people like Bruce Willis and time.

I’m a horror nerd so I want this to be a good movie. On the other hand, if you have only seen the commercials and have read up on this in no way, do you have even the slightest clue what this movie is about? Why is it horror is allowed to be advertised in the most confusing way possible? Like for real, tell me what this movie is about.  Is it a ghost story? Demons? Serial killer? Monster? Is Ethan Hawke insane? Is the house haunted? Is the family haunted? Who died? Someone clearly died. Is the little girl possessed? Is she evil? Is she targeted by evil? You literally have no idea. This would be like advertising a police movie by never actually showing police in the trailer.

In a nutshell: This better not suck, because 90% of modern horror sucks and I’m saddened by that.

Blowing the minds of absolutely everyone, it seems that Ben Affleck wasn’t actually the waste of space loser his acting career made it seem that he was. Turns out when he directs movies, people love them. Who knew?

In a nutshell: Did you know Canada has a football league? And Toronto’s team is the Argonauts? It’s true. This is not about that.
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