Paulene So is Naked Perfection

I may have never heard of Paulene So before, but now I have…and that is all that matters. Our undying love never materialized because before today, she didn’t exist to me. But now I know her and will never forget her. So stop looking at her sexually. She’s mine. I found her…so I keep her.

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Top 5 Scariest Videogames of All Time

It’s finally that time of year; the one day when ghost, goblins, monsters, and witches are all the rage. In addition to scary decorations and horror flicks, there are a bunch of ways to scare yourself stupid. For gamers, what better way to celebrate Halloween than playing a host of spooktacular videogames?

The following list contains the scariest videogames of all time. Pick out a few that look interesting to you and prepare for a scare!

5. Amnesia: The Dark Descent
No list of scary video games would be complete without “Amnesia: The Dark Descent.” This indie hit is often cited as the scariest game of all time, as you have no weapons to defend yourself, and are forced to run and hide when the terrifying “Mr. Face” is hunting you down.

4. Silent Hill
The Silent Hill series is full of bizarre creatures that would make even Guillermo Del Toro squirm, but that’s not the main reason why “Silent Hill” is so scary. This game is all about ambiance, as the anticipation of what’s around the next corner will keep you white-knuckled all the way.

3. Dead Space
If you’re a fan of things that pop out at inopportune times, then “Dead Space” is for you. In addition to plenty of startling moments, the game is packed with creepy monsters, riveting gameplay, and gruesome deaths.

2. Resident Evil 2
The name “Resident Evil” is synonymous with scary in the film and gaming worlds. The first game in the series is a bit of a joke, but “Resident Evil 2” remains a great game to this day. If you can get past the blocky graphics and clunky controls, you’ll learn to love the odd camera angles and the wide variety of ways it finds to shock you.

1. Fatal Frame
As one of the most unique titles on this list, “Fatal Frame” only arms you with a camera and pits you against ghosts in a haunted house. The only way to defend yourself from the malevolent spirits is to snap a picture of them, but the ghosts scream and make the controller rumble as they draw near. This game actually has the potential to make you scream.
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Yda Manzano Gets My Vote for MILF of the Year

Yda Manzano is a pretty amazing mother, not because I know anything about her parenting skills. I don’t know if she even takes care of her kids, or whether she just pawns them off to the staff of nannies her husband can easily afford. I don’t know if she’s caring or nurturing or if she breastfeeds her kids. I don’t know if she teaches them morals and values that they will carry into adulthood, becoming responsible adults of their own.

Yda Manzano is an amazing mother because she looks like this…when most mothers are substantially less amazing to look at. I am a Yda Manzano fan, even in an era of too many of the same vaginas being recycled from magazine to magazine.

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Top 5 Horror Comics of All Time

Almost everybody loves a good scare. Is it any wonder that horror has become one of the most successful and beloved genres in media? While most everybody is familiar with horror literature, television, and cinema, there is a rich world of horror comics waiting to be discovered, for those who are willing to look. However, many people are turned off from trying comics because of the market’s superhero saturation. So I have compiled a list of five great horror comics that have nothing to do with superheroes. Sadly, this disqualifies many great horror titles put out by Marvel and DC Comics, like Swamp Thing, Man-Thing, House of Mystery, Adventure Into Fear, and Tomb Of Dracula.

My general rule of thumb in making this list was that if, at any point, superheroes were involved in a main storyline of a particular horror comic, then it was disqualified. So, without any further ado, here are the Top 5 (Non Superhero) Horror Comics, presented in chronological order from their first publication dates.

5. Tales From The Crypt
First Published: October 1950

Kicking off this list is one of the most infamous, reviled, and beloved horror comics in history.  “Tales From The Crypt” was a bi-monthly horror anthology that was published in the early 50’s by EC Comics. The comic was hosted by the now-iconic Cryptkeeper, who acted as a guide for readers in-between stories. The stories were shockingly violent, bloody, and graphic. In fact, the explicit content almost destroyed the comic book industry. In 1954, Fredric Wertham’s “Seduction of The Innocent,” the book claimed that violent comics promoted juvenile delinquency and the corruption of minors. “Tales From The Crypt” was one of the primary targets. The backlash resulted in the title’s cancellation. Although it was shut down, “Tales From The Crypt” remains, to this day, one of the most influential horror publications in the medium of comics.

4. Creepy
First Published: 1964

If EC Comics accidentally almost killed the horror comic genre, then Warren Publishing helped save it. After the foundation of the Comics Code Authority, which essentially censored all depictions of graphic violence and illicit acts in comics, Warren Publishing released “Creepy” in 1964. Much like EC Comics’ horror titles, Creepy was a horror anthology, with a host character named Uncle Creepy. But unlike, say, “Tales From The Crypt,” “Creepy” was released as a newsstand publication in a magazine format. This allowed Warren Publishing a loophole to avoid the Comics Code Authority. “Creepy” would also be instrumental in helping promote new talent like Neal Adams (who helped revitalize DC Comics in the late 60’s and 70’s) and Steve Ditko (co-creator of Spider-Man).

3. Dylan Dog
First Published: October 1986

A magnum opus of European horror comics, Tiziana Sclavi’s “Dylan Dog” is an ongoing series that has been published since 1986. Following a “nightmare investigator” named Dylan Dog operating out of London, the comic follows his case files against the nasty things that go bump in the night. Accompanied by his sidekick, a delusional Groucho Marx impersonator, the two investigate the supernatural, and occasionally fight against the evil Dr. Xabaras. Long unavailable in the States, “Dylan Dog” has recently been released by Dark Horse comics, and become the subject of an American film adaptation entitled “Dylan Dog: Dead of Night,” which, unfortunately, sucked big time.

2. From Hell
First Published: 1991

Though not technically a horror comic, Alan Moore’s stellar piece of historical fiction, “From Hell,” is one of the most chilling and unnerving comics ever written.  The comic is about the infamous Jack the Ripper murders that took place in the Whitechapel district of London in 1888. Moore based the comic on Stephen Knight’s theory that the Ripper murders were carried out by Queen Victoria’s royal physician Sir William Gull, in order to cover up the birth of the illegitimate child of Prince Albert Victor, Duke of Clarence. This theory has been disproven several times, and even Moore has come out in opposition to it. But Moore’s thoroughly exhaustive research into the Ripper murders helped create one of the most compelling examinations of not just the crime, but of Victorian England. “From Hell” is not for the faint of heart. It contains extremely graphic depictions of sex, and grisly re-enactments of the murders. But for those with the stomach for such things, “From Hell” is one of the most rewarding entries on this list.

1. American Vampire
First Published: March 2010

The most recent series on this list, “American Vampire” is the brainchild of Scott Snyder. He is one of the fastest rising stars in the comic industry, in large part due to this series, and his run on DC’s “Batman” and “Swamp Thing.” The series operates off the premise that there are different species of vampire in the world. In the 1800s, a new species of vampire, an “American” vampire, is created. The first “American” vampire was Skinner Sweet, an outlaw from the Old West who lives through many different eras of American history. Along with Brazilian artist Rafael Albuquerque, Snyder has created one of the freshest, and most endearing takes on modern vampire lore.
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FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK! From the press release:

BURBANK, Calif. & SAN FRANCISCO: Continuing its strategy of delivering exceptional creative content to audiences around the world, The Walt Disney Company has agreed to acquire Lucasfilm Ltd. in a stock and cash transaction. Lucasfilm is 100% owned by Lucasfilm Chairman and Founder, George Lucas.

Under the terms of the agreement and based on the closing price of Disney stock on October 26, 2012, the transaction value is $4.05 billion, with Disney paying approximately half of the consideration in cash and issuing approximately 40 million shares at closing. The final consideration will be subject to customary post-closing balance sheet adjustments.

“Lucasfilm reflects the extraordinary passion, vision, and storytelling of its founder, George Lucas,” said Robert A. Iger, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company. “This transaction combines a world-class portfolio of content including Star Wars, one of the greatest family entertainment franchises of all time, with Disney’s unique and unparalleled creativity across multiple platforms, businesses, and markets to generate sustained growth and drive significant long-term value.”

“For the past 35 years, one of my greatest pleasures has been to see Star Wars passed from one generation to the next,” said George Lucas, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Lucasfilm. “It’s now time for me to pass Star Wars on to a new generation of filmmakers. I’ve always believed that Star Wars could live beyond me, and I thought it was important to set up the transition during my lifetime. I’m confident that with Lucasfilm under the leadership of Kathleen Kennedy, and having a new home within the Disney organization, Star Wars will certainly live on and flourish for many generations to come. Disney’s reach and experience give Lucasfilm the opportunity to blaze new trails in film, television, interactive media, theme parks, live entertainment, and consumer products.”

Under the deal, Disney will acquire ownership of Lucasfilm, a leader in entertainment, innovation and technology, including its massively popular and “evergreen” Star Wars franchise and its operating businesses in live action film production, consumer products, animation, visual effects, and audio post production. Disney will also acquire the substantial portfolio of cutting-edge entertainment technologies that have kept audiences enthralled for many years. Lucasfilm, headquartered in San Francisco, operates under the names Lucasfilm Ltd., LucasArts, Industrial Light & Magic, and Skywalker Sound, and the present intent is for Lucasfilm employees to remain in their current locations.

Kathleen Kennedy, current Co-Chairman of Lucasfilm, will become President of Lucasfilm, reporting to Walt Disney Studios Chairman Alan Horn. Additionally she will serve as the brand manager for Star Wars, working directly with Disney’s global lines of business to build, further integrate, and maximize the value of this global franchise. Ms. Kennedy will serve as executive producer on new Star Wars feature films, with George Lucas serving as creative consultant. Star Wars Episode 7 is targeted for release in 2015, with more feature films expected to continue the Star Wars saga and grow the franchise well into the future.

Did you catch that last part?

Star Wars Episode 7 is targeted for release in 2015, with more feature films expected to continue the Star Wars saga and grow the franchise well into the future.

Holy fuck. More on this when I can wrap my goddamn head around it.

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