Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Watched: Resident Evil! The Mistress!


Resident Evil: Retribution
Part 19 of the ongoing Resident Evil saga once again finds Milla Jovovich (who I find uncomfortably attractive) squaring off against zombies and the world’s worst run company, the Umbrella Corporation. I could have sworn the entire world except maybe Japan was overrun by zombies in the last movie, but what do I know?

This movie brings back a ton of characters that died in previous movies and I honestly don’t care how or why. I just want to know what the hell the Umbrella Corporation’s goal is now. I feel like they made some serious missteps in the past and really, nothing they’re doing is making it much better. And how does the company still exist? The world is a zombie nightmare, so why are people still punching in at 9 am over there?  If ever there was a time for early retirement, this is it.

In a nutshell: I’m going to see this knowing full well no one has any plans, anywhere, to like it.



The Mistress
What a piece of shit the trailer for this movie is. I feel awkward watching it on my computer. It looks like they got a team of production people together, made them read all the romance novels in the checkout section of a grocery store, gave them sedatives, then hit them in the head with a sock full of walnuts until all their vocalizations ended with a “ba-durrr!” sound and then put them to work making the trailer.

In a nutshell: Rent it in a moment of boredom.
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