Top 5 Things You Think Make You Cool…But Don’t

Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you un-cool. We’re not saying we’re cool, we’re just saying if you own any of these items, you’re not.

5.Ironic Belt Buckles

Why You Think You’re Cool: Now you can show up in bars and point at your belt buckle and tell people that you are a “Rodeo Champion” or a “Pac-Man” or a “Truck Driver” or a “Jack Daniels.” And while they will know that you are actually none of these things, you think you’re being playful and a little bit mysterious. You also think this tactic will help you pick up women.

Why You’re Not Cool: You’re the same person who has ironic facial hair (mustache), drinks ironic beer (PBR) and wears ironic T-shirts (Lucky Charms). You spend your entire life trying to look as shitty and poor as possible while, chances are, you have rich parents or a job for an accounting firm that pays you a six-figure salary. Douche.

4. Bluetooth Headsets

Why You Think You’re Cool: All the other losers have to use their hands when they talk on the phone. Not you! You can talk on your phone and at the same time safely give some loser the finger because they’re only driving the speed limit. It’s Tuesday, doesn’t this asshole know you have your yoga class at Gold’s Gym to go to?

Why You’re Not Cool: I don’t give a shit if you’re talking to someone on the other end, when you’re at Starbucks and they’re trying to take your order while you say “Listen, you give me that paperwork for the Bautista account by tomorrow or it’s your ass. Low fat milk. I SAID LOW FAT MILK! Yeah, that’s right, Bautista account on my desk! No chocolate drizzle!” it’s pretty goddamn confusing and asshole-ish to everyone trying to deal with you. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing blue tooth wireless headsets are military field generals.

3. Fidel Castro Hats

Why You Think You’re Cool: Wearing a Fidel Castro hat let’s the world know that you’re different and that you have thoughts and ideas that make you significantly more special and free-thinking than those who wear traditional baseball hats.

Why You’re Not Cool: You know why the Communist Cuba Military can get away with wearing them? Because they carry automatic weapons. You most likely carry a compilation book of Charles Bukowski poems. The tiny bill and camouflaged coloring make you look like a retarded son of an army ranger who had a pair of scissors and access to his father’s closet. I realize you want to tell the world you’re a non-comformist, but unfortunately being a non-conformist means you’re conforming to non-conformism. You might want to ponder that at that next record release party for a band no one’s heard of that you’re pretending to like.

2. Guitar Hero

Why You Think You’re Cool: Dude, this game totally rocks! I love this song! Hell yes! Welcome to the Jungle, baby! YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIEE!

Why You’re Not Cool: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn into Slash when you’re playing this video game. You are playing a child-sized guitar that doesn’t even have strings. It has multi-colored buttons and an on/off button. And playing this video game does not mean you can play the guitar now. If I have to hear someone say “I can totally play ‘Anarchy in the UK’ now,” but actually mean, “I can totally play ‘Anarchy in the UK’ on Guitar Hero,” I am going to take a pee inside the nearest PS3.

1. Tricked-Out Bicycles

Why You Think You’re Cool: I honestly have no idea.

Why You’re Not Cool: Instead of looking like some hipper, younger version of a real biker (who actually is cool), you just look like some 6th-grader who blew his allowance on sparklers for his tricycle. With its weirdly bent handlebars and wacky forks, your “cruiser” looks like the Elephant Man of bikes. Plus, these things are clearly uncomfortable to ride. I love watching some tattooed douchebag try to look laidback and cool after he had to dislocate both of his shoulders just to reach the handlebars. Not to mention, you could’ve gotten a friggin’ car for what you paid for this piece of crap. Dumbass.
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