Rosa McIntyre is The Greatest Singuh in Duh Wuuuuurld!!!

Rosa McIntyre was a contestant from one of the greatest reality shows of all time, “The WB’s Superstar USA.” Most of the week, I am forced to listen to the likes of Britney, GaGa, Rihanna, Ke$hit and The Bieber, so last night I decided to fill my ear holes with some real musical talent and I listened to the entire soundtrack of “Superstar USA.” It made me love music again! 

In 2004, The WB made fun of “American Idol” by putting out a glorious monument to pop culture that searched for the country’s WORST singer. Although, the singers didn’t know they were the worst. They were told the show was looking for the best and they were the only ones not in on the joke. Bitches got pranked.

The judges (shout out to Vitamin C and Tone Loc) all pretended that those hos had the voices of ethereal angels with harp vocal cords. Producers didn’t want to spill the secret to the live audience, so they cemented their place in hell by saying that the contestants were terminally ill children who were getting their “last wish.” The WB later apologized to the Make a Wish Foundation.

The entire show was a special event and one of the veins in civilization’s heart, but all of my emotions quickly wrapped around third place winner Rosa McIntyre. The live audience must have thought that Rosa’s “terminal illness” was contagious, because everybody’s eardrums were put on life support thanks to her beautiful “piñata full of Mexican bats getting hit with a flaming stick” voice.

Mexico’s greatest export since the tequila worm truly believed that she had the looks, voice and talent to become a musical superstar sensation. Rosa didn’t care that people were running to the bathrooms to stick their ear holes under scalding hot running water and she didn’t even bat an eye when they got into the fetal position on the ground. A TRUE STAR!

When Rosa came in third and was told that the whole show was nothing but a prank, she pursed her lips, batted her eyes and said, “Oh, so you were looking for the WORST singer? It makes sense that I didn’t win then.” And for coming in third, they gave her a giant check for $5000. Rosa asked if they could give her a smaller one, because she didn’t think her bank would deposit that one. How is she not one of the biggest stars today? This is another example of how we have failed as a people.

I do think of Rosa every now and again. Mostly when I hear a parrot getting choked out (which is often, obviously). I wonder whatever happened to Rosa? Maybe she’s singing for prisoners of the Mexican mafia in the backroom of a cafeteria in Tijuana? Or maybe ADT hired her so that they can model all their alarms on her cement-breaking voice? I guess we’ll never know. But at least we’ll always have this…

Still sounds better than JLo, right?
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