No Doubt, Retired No More

The part of the chewed-up piece of steak fat called my heart that holds a special place for the 90s filled up with tears earlier this month when Chumbawamba broke up with each other, but now that place can stop weeping thanks to No Doubt jumping into Bieber territory last night at the Teen’s Choice Awards to perform the first single off their new album.

“Settle Down” makes my ears curl and it sort of sounds like a ska song that was written by a bunch of tone-deaf Fraggles, but this mess of a song is still better than the shit put out by whores half their ages.

Speaking of whores half her age, Gwen Stefani looks better than most of them. The secret to eternal youth must be feeding the pores on your scalp with a steady serving of peroxide, because Gwen’s 2012 face looks exactly like her 1995 face.

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