John Mayer Starring in “Douchebags of the Caribbean”

John Mayer has achieved the impossible by making himself look like a bigger douchebag than he already is. John Mayer wore this “shiver me tampons” mess to a restaurant recently and it wasn’t pirate or costume night. Wearing this mess is only okay if you’re operating one of the rides in Disneyland, performing in front of Treasure Island, posing next to Fabio for the cover of a gay romance novel, working as busboy at Medieval Times, or if you’re acting in an episode of “Dr. Who.” Basically, what I’m trying to say is wearing this outfit is okay as long as your name is not John Mayer. If your name is John Mayer, then it’s definitely not okay.

John Mayer’s obsession with looking like Johnny Depp needs to stop. Earth to douchebag, you’ll never look like Johnny Depp and you’ll really never look like Jack Sparrow. The only way John Mayer would look like Johnny Depp is if Johnny Depp got into a terrible accident and had to have facial reconstruction surgery using pieces of a prolapsed rectum. That’s it.

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