Yesterday morning, I sat on the bed for close to an hour just thinking about Sheng and the prospect of never seeing her again. It’s hard to let a best friend go. I feel the loss so deeply it’s as if she’s dead.
Last night was even more challenging, and for no reason in particular other than the silence. I was unable to occupy my thoughts long enough to keep them from straying into the self-pitying moments.
What kind of person breaks up with a significant other on Christmas Day? These are the questions that make me shake my head at the girl.
So here’s the long and short of it. For the first and probably last time in my life, I fell wholeheartedly in love with a girl and gave her almost two years of my life. She made me swoon and I always thought things were the same on the other end. I don’t know how I could have been so wrong. And much to my surprise she dropped a bomb, and ended it. Initially I was panicked and scared. Just days before we were picking out couches and giving midnight back scratches, and then before I knew it my best friend had disappeared.
I miss Sheng. I miss her to my bones some days. I know that I can never be with her again, but there are still moments when I can feel the loss with such intensity. I miss the Sheng I once knew. The Sheng that is only accessible in memory and in a time and space so far from today. I remember that girl, the one who adored me and made me swoon. She was the girl that I fell in love with. She could laugh with every part of her body. I know that this person died before my very eyes and is never to return.
I still have a box full of letters from her. They’re all so beautifully written. They all speak of this infinite love and how I am all she will ever need. And it reminds me of the girl I fell in love with. It reminds me that there was a time where we felt infinite. It reminds me that there were places where we were real and in love and that it all wasn’t something I dreamt up while she was secretly unhappy. Her unhappiness was something fairly new to the span of our time together.
When I look back on all of this I will not remember the hurt or the anger or how she let me down. I certainly won’t forget it, but I choose to remember her the way she was. I will remember the way she loved me. I choose to take the good and learn from the bad.
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