Having recently caught myself doing things I never thought I would do (e.g. sipping “calm” tea at Starbucks, noticing the differences among various types of Chardonnays, etc.), I decided to draw the line.
The line was drawn by making a pledge to never do certain things for the rest of my life—for instance, to never wear a scarf, to never eat sushi (continuing my lifelong streak), and, finally, I vowed to never see the movie “Magic Mike” despite intense pressure from The Girlfriend.
To commemorate this momentous decision, I present to you my Top 7 Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch Magic Mike:
I would rather...
1. Pursue a career as an anal masseuse.
2. Lick off Oprah Winfrey’s make-up.
3. Masturbate with Ben Gay for one month.
4. Wear LeBron’s used jock on my face for a week.
5. Smear honey on my butt and sit on a beehive for one hour.
6. Stick a glass rod up my ass and ride a motorcycle for a mile down a railroad track.
7. Stick my head up an elephant’s ass after it had diarrhea.
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