Meet The World’s Champion Masturbator!

Hit pause on your “Anal Assault: Part 19” clip, put down your Jergen’s, and pull up your drawers. Masanobu Sato has got this. He’s been declared the World’s Champion Masturbator! He’s even got a trophy that should totally be a bronze casting of a crumpled tissue but isn’t.

For you horny bitches who worry that your measly three shots a day in the stall at work might constitute a chronic masturbation problem which is going to get your ass fired when you’re found out, think again. According to Kotaku, Sato’s record is 9 HOURS AND 59 MINUTES.

How does one’s peen take that much punishment? The poor thing’s probably in tiny traction by now with third degree chafing burns. Amnesty International needs to save that cock from its cruel captor causing it to dry-cum over and over again!

Sato has a live-in girlfriend (!!!) who he doesn’t have sex with because she’s busy making dresses and timing his efforts. And weeping. Once you watch the video, you’ll note that their apartment is tiny. She must have an umbrella on standby due to his preference for porn.

Yes, the World’s Champion Masturbator has some hang-ups about sex with live girls. He doesn’t even wank to live-action porn. He fucks his fist to hentai because girls are “dirty” and they “smell.” Sato’s lady and Lindsay Lohan might have some self-esteem issues in common.

Japan is an interesting (read - sucio) place where you can purchase used panties from vending machines, so this is probably no big whoop for them.  One of their game shows involves dudes racing each other after receiving enemas and riding bikes with the seats INSIDE THEM. How much is airfare to Japan from the Philippines?

Check out Sato’s story in the video below…

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