Kobe Bryant’s Wife Calls It Quits: “He Cheated Too Much!”

Kobe Bryant’s assets are lying in a fetal position, sucking on their thumbs and mumbling for their mommies, because Vanessa Bryant filed papers to legally quit his ass after ten and a half years of marriage.

Distracting Vanessa’s eyes with the twinkles on a $4 million ring so she doesn’t notice that Kobe’s passing his peen to side ho after side ho is no longer going to work. The best part is that Vanessa never signed a prenup. All the gold diggers say YAAASSSS! Vanessa just grabbed a shovel, walked into Kobe’s money vault and will keep scooping up cash until all she hears is the sound of metal hitting floor. #GETMONEYBITCH

TMZ reports that Vanessa filed divorce papers in L.A. this afternoon and said “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why her marriage is in the morgue right now. One source says that Vanessa could no longer take the LA Lakers star’s coming home smelling like random pussy and so she’s finally putting him out.

The source went on to say, “She’s been dealing with these incidents for a long time and has been a faithful wife, but she’s finally had enough. This one is the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

Vanessa wants joint custody of their 2 daughters, Natalia Diamante Bryant (DIAMANTE?!!!) and Gianna Maria-Onore, and spousal support, DUH. Vanessa and Kobe’s lawyers have been working on this divorce for weeks and he’s already agreed to pay her spousal support.

Do you think it’s a coincidence that under California law, if you’re married to a ho for at least 10 years, you get half of everything? Vanessa might be a certified platinum bitch (or so I’ve heard), but ho isn’t stupid. Did you think Vanessa stood by like a dumb ass during those rape allegations for her health? Bitch was waiting to get that KOBE CHECK!

I’m just bracing myself for all the side pieces who are going to fall from the sky and land directly on the cover of The National Enquirer. I’m also bracing myself for Kim KardASSian to inevitably fall onto Kobe’s dick. I bet Pimp Mama Kris Jenner just orgasmed herself inside/out just from thinking about all the possibilities.
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