For the past few days I’ve been busy putting together a list of the best sex toys as a gift guide for the holiday season—get an item off of my list for your loved one and you’re sure to get orally pleasured every day of the whole new year.
The list below, however, is the stuff of nightmares. If you buy your lover something in this list, you may end up single and possibly in jail. Beware…
5. Butt Funnel Viewing Kit
This Japanese sex toy is a clear plastic funnel and handle. You’re meant to put it up your partner’s ass, then you shine a flashlight in so you can have an erotic view of their colon. Flashlight included.
4. Obama Vibrator
Do you know any horny Republicans? Get them this. Know any nuts threatening to shoot the president? GET THEM THIS!
3. Artificial Hymen
Do you only fuck dirty sluts and you’ve never slept with a virgin and want to know what it’s like? Or perhaps, your girlfriend wants to share losing her cherry with you but some guy took it 10 years ago in the back seat of his car?
This artificial plastic hymen is placed in the vagina prior to fucking, and will break from pressure from the dick, releasing a fluid made to look like blood. You can take her V-Card over and over and over again!
2. Vagina Anus Fetish Mask
Don’t you agree that your love slave looks a little plain when you put them in their leather gimp mask? Get them this special mask that has a vagina in the forehead and an anus for a mouth.
Can you still see the image above when you close your eyes?
1. Killer Whale Dildo
It’s a dildo shaped like the dick of a killer whale. For everyone who has dreamed of fucking a killer whale but were turned off by the “killer” part, this is the toy for you. See the nozzle attached…that’s to shoot out fake whale sperm!
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