Signs of the Apocalypse, Part 18: The Kardashians Are Multiplying!!!


Today, we are all Sigourney Weaver and this UsWeekly cover is the alien nest she discovers. They’re spawning! The whore-ror never ends.

Four weeks ago, Pimp Mama Kris gathered all of her precious whore loaches together and demanded that one of them deliver a smokescreen baby to distract everyone from the fact that they’re all soul-fucking whores of the highest order.

Pimp Mama Kris mostly stared at Kourtney Kardashian during this conversation since every time Lamar Odom mounts Khloe, the Wookie wail of ecstasy she lets out scares the neighborhood children and Bruce Jenner has to run into the room with a garden hose and a hot fireplace poker. So Kourtney it is!

Kourtney announced this morning that she’s 9 weeks knocked up with her third child (Scott Disick a.k.a. Scott Is A Dick being her first and Mason being her second). Yeah, Kourtney is saying 9 weeks, but I’m saying that the three kings of Hell have plenty of time to get a present for the spawn that will keep the evil going since I’m sure she’ll magically be a few weeks overdue. Here’s Kourtney and Scott reading from the script Pimp Mama Kris gave them:

The E! reality star, 32, took a pregnancy test about five weeks ago—and woke up Disick, 28 (not a morning person!), around 7.a.m. to tell him the positive results.

“Now I’m nine weeks along,” Kardashian tells Us. “You’re supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident.”

“It wasn’t like we weren’t trying,” Disick, 28, says. “We kind of just said, ‘If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.’”


Kourtney also launched some stupid ass mommy blog on Monday. Koincidence! The Kuntrashian plague continues and there will be several more weeks of listening to Kourtney’s warped cassette tape voice fart on and on about how she laughs every time the ultrasound tech blacks out American Horror Story-style when she gets a sonogram. I mean, where is a swarm of locusts when we really, really, REALLY need them?
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