American Music Awards Wrap Up: Why Isn’t Fat Christina Aguilera Wearing Red Lip Paint?!

Wearing one of Mariah Carey’s favorite maternity dresses, Christina Aguilera busted onto the stage during Maroon 5’s performance at the AMAs last night looking like an electrocuted poodle half-mummified in duct tape.

Because Christina’s bandage dress suffocated her body so tight that her lonjitas were popping out for dear mercy, some people are saying that if you looked in the wastebasket next to her toilet you’d find a pregnancy test kit with a blue plus sign on it. BUT NOPE! You might find a test kit but it wouldn’t be positive, it’d be drunk as three shades of hell from Christina pissing out her 100-proof piss on it. That’s not a human baby in Christina’s belly, that’s a beer baby (the best kind of baby to be pregnant with, honestly).

Hating hos saying that Christina’s Miss Piggy look was marketing for the new Muppets movie are filled with jealousy. They wish they had a keg in their bellies like Christina (and me after this weekend). PARTY IN MAH BELLY: Christina can say it and you can’t.

But what I’m most worried about is the fact that Christina doesn’t look like she just sucked off a melting candied apple. WHERE IS THE RED LIPSTICK?! Unless… Christina’s dress was so tight that it squeezed the red right off of her lips. That’s all kinds of possible.

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