Grandpa Albert and His Piss Bag are My New Heroes

Albert Einsig, the 91-year-old humanized clone of Grampa Simpson who proved that he has a black belt in the ancient karate art of GET OFF MY LAWN by throwing an entire bucket of cold piss at a crew of hooligan teens doing hood rat stuff on his porch. A Not The One Pepaw’s greatest arch-rival, besides a plastic wrapper around hard candy, is a group of hollerin’ cunt youngins who keep his eyes open during his sleeping time with their loud ass acts of buffoonery.

Albert has been living in his Pennsylvania home for over 60 years and it’s pretty much been heaven in a BenGay bubble until recently when a bunch of neighborhood kids started to fuck with him by banging on his front door and hanging out on his porch at all hours of the night.

Albert put bed sheets over his door to keep them from peering in but that didn’t stop them from bringing the foolery to his front porch, so he finally fought back by emptying his piss bucket on them. Yup, this is the reason some of you might’ve seen Kim KardASSian trolling around East Clark Avenue.

Of course, some nosy next-door neighbor bitch had to get into Albert’s life by calling the police on him. Grandpa Albert was cited for golden showering the teen brats and he says he deserves the punishment, but he still wishes those asshole brats would stop trying to take the piss out of him.

Here’s my new hero burning his liver spots off while talking about the ruffians who are making him madder than the time he found out “Bonanza” is no longer making new episodes (he found out last week):

I just want to crawl in front of his velour recliner from the 70s and let him hug my soul with his chapped crotchetiness. But you know, Grandpa Albert shouldn’t strain his fragile arms by hurling a bucket of bladder water at those little asshole bastards. Grandpa Albert should hook himself up to a colostomy bag with an extra long cord and hang it above his porch. Whenever those cockamamie cunts try to mess with him again, he can drop his shit bag on top of their heads and give them a taste of stewed prune shit. This is what Clint Eastwood should’ve done in “Gran Torino” instead of getting his ass shot up.

I sooooo want to be Grandpa Albert when I enter the “piss bucket” phase of my life.
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