The Shallow Man Movie Review: Bad Teacher

I don’t get a chance to watch many movies these days. Nonetheless, I like writing movie reviews, both as a public service and also to see if I can turn this gig into a way of getting free tickets to press screenings.

So, the only option is to review the movies without actually seeing them. I’m convinced many critics do this anyway, but at least I’m being upfront with you. The following review is based on press releases and whatever trailers have bombarded my feeble brain.

Act 1
The movie opens with Diaz partying at a bar, then maybe having sex with some random guy. Then we see her house the next day and she’s in bed and there are clothes and empty bottles everywhere and Diaz wakes up in a start because she’s late for work. And her car will screech into the parking lot and she’ll jump out of the car buttoning her blouse and putting on her heels and we’ll see that she’s a teacher. Get it? Because teaching would be an unlikely choice. After all the other stuff we saw. Do you get it? Unlikely = funny.

Act 2
Something happens that changes Cameron’s life or threatens her school and so now she has a rivalry with another school and/or teacher, and she uses her crazy antics to win, like dressing “sexy” to get more cars to her car wash. I wonder if this scene will show Cameron’s car wash with cars lined up around the block, while her frumpy rival has very few cars. Awww man, can you imagine? I hope I don’t hyperventilate from all the laughter.

Act 3
Diaz fails to win because her underhanded tactics were frowned upon but that’s okay because in doing so, she learns a little about life and a lot about her self. Also she says “fuck” a lot during the movie, which is funny because using language like that around kids would be inappropriate. 

The real lesson here is that anyone on earth can write a successful Hollywood movie in about 20 minutes.

I’m honestly not sure what’s more insulting; that were expected to believe that Cameron Diaz is sexy or that were supposed to accept Justin Timberlake as a leading man.

Actually never mind. It’s the first one. I’m not sure why any producer thinks we like Justin Timberlake and he should be in their movie, because we don’t and he shouldn’t, but Cameron Diaz is getting uglier by the minute. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I heard that if she bites you, you turn into a Cameron Diaz. True Story!

Grade ★ ★ 1/2 out of 5 stars

On a related note, Cameron was on the Spanish TV show “El Hormiguero” recently to promote “Bad Teacher,” and she seems to think the best way to do that and get around the language barrier was to make dumb faces for 10 minutes. 

Now the people in Spain can say, “I’d like a ticket to the one where the old lady who thinks she’s young cackles like a jackass.”

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