The Shallow Man Movie Review: Bad Teacher


I don’t get a chance to watch many movies these days. Nonetheless, I like writing movie reviews, both as a public service and also to see if I can turn this gig into a way of getting free tickets to press screenings.

So, the only option is to review the movies without actually seeing them. I’m convinced many critics do this anyway, but at least I’m being upfront with you. The following review is based on press releases and whatever trailers have bombarded my feeble brain.

Act 1
The movie opens with Diaz partying at a bar, then maybe having sex with some random guy. Then we see her house the next day and she’s in bed and there are clothes and empty bottles everywhere and Diaz wakes up in a start because she’s late for work. And her car will screech into the parking lot and she’ll jump out of the car buttoning her blouse and putting on her heels and we’ll see that she’s a teacher. Get it? Because teaching would be an unlikely choice. After all the other stuff we saw. Do you get it? Unlikely = funny.

Act 2
Something happens that changes Cameron’s life or threatens her school and so now she has a rivalry with another school and/or teacher, and she uses her crazy antics to win, like dressing “sexy” to get more cars to her car wash. I wonder if this scene will show Cameron’s car wash with cars lined up around the block, while her frumpy rival has very few cars. Awww man, can you imagine? I hope I don’t hyperventilate from all the laughter.

Act 3
Diaz fails to win because her underhanded tactics were frowned upon but that’s okay because in doing so, she learns a little about life and a lot about her self. Also she says “fuck” a lot during the movie, which is funny because using language like that around kids would be inappropriate. 

The real lesson here is that anyone on earth can write a successful Hollywood movie in about 20 minutes.



I’m honestly not sure what’s more insulting; that were expected to believe that Cameron Diaz is sexy or that were supposed to accept Justin Timberlake as a leading man.

Actually never mind. It’s the first one. I’m not sure why any producer thinks we like Justin Timberlake and he should be in their movie, because we don’t and he shouldn’t, but Cameron Diaz is getting uglier by the minute. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I heard that if she bites you, you turn into a Cameron Diaz. True Story!

Grade ★ ★ 1/2 out of 5 stars

On a related note, Cameron was on the Spanish TV show “El Hormiguero” recently to promote “Bad Teacher,” and she seems to think the best way to do that and get around the language barrier was to make dumb faces for 10 minutes. 

Now the people in Spain can say, “I’d like a ticket to the one where the old lady who thinks she’s young cackles like a jackass.”




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Captain Planet, Motherfuckers!


This video of Don Cheadle playing a sociopathic, unhinged version of Captain Planet is easily the best thing I’ve seen online this week, for reasons not the least of which being that they made the ‘Heart’ ring guy borderline retarded, just like I always imagined him.

Possibly the crappiest superhero ever conceived, Captain Planet was easily one of the worst cartoons of the 1990s, a paper-thin character attempting to broaden children’s respect for the environment by making it look like supervillains took joy in cutting trees down and polluting water.

The video starts with that conceit, but Captain Planet soon turns into an angry badass who fucks people up and flies away saying, “Don’t summon me again unless you ready for that pain. Peace, dickholes!”


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Signs of the Apocalypse, Part 3


If you’re on a diet, fuck it off and stick your face in bowl of fried lard. If for some fucked-up reason you have declared celibacy, go rub and wet hump the first hot piece you see. If there’s a whore out there that doesn’t know how much you hate them, immediately knee them in the butt bone and destroy them with the cunt word. Because the end is near.

The sky is about to turn black and the earth will implode! Baby Jesus, hold me in your arms and dry my tears with your breath. I’m scared.
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It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane, It’s Superman’s Penis!


More pictures from the set of the increasingly homoerotic “Superman: Man Of Steel” found it’s way online today, and you probably can’t tell from the scenes below, but Superman is in a fight with a dude for the rights to use “manofsteel69” as profile name on manhunt.com.



Who cares if Superman looks like he gets a blowout at the same place Bruno Mars gets his every morning?

Who cares if Superman washed his signature period panties in the his bathroom sink, hung them up to dry on the towel rack and forgot to put them on before he flew out the window?

Who cares if that suit was made from the blue perforated leather loafers I had as a kid that made me look like an old priss queen on a cruise to Italy?

Who cares if he’s probably wearing a muscle suit underneath that shit made from a mold of Madonna’s biceps and Jada Pinkett’s twelve-pack?

Who cares that it’s taking me four ‘Who Cares’ to say that it’s all about the “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s happy to see you!” bulge!


That bulge should be wearing a little red cape and flying hos in distress to safety! That bulge should get a spin-off!

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Oh Hey There, Rose McGowan



“Conan The Barbarian” star Rose McGowan looked terrific as she left a hair salon in LA yesterday, and by that I mean she somehow pushed her big tits into a shirt made for a toddler. In fact her entire outfit was nice. It’s like a classy version of a Hooters waitress.



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Lucy Pinder Is Nuts…Again


I imagine being on the Mt. Rushmore of tits can be it’s own reward, but I’d like to personally thank Lucy Pinder for being a bottomless pit of need that forces her to take her top off whenever there is a camera around.

I would send her a thank you card, but they don’t really make them big enough for the picture I planned on taking. Sorry :(
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Madonna Without Photoshop?




NO! Madge would never leave her coffin without bathing in hot wax and covering her body with the pelts of a dozen obese fetuses.

Iggy Pop does not give a beef jerky fuck that he’s walking around looking like he was just exhumed after hundreds of years. Who cares if the worms are still wiggling under his skin! Iggy’s got this!

Here’s Iggy literally melting for his fans while performing in London. That theater probably smelled like boiled embalming fluid, muddled raisins, pork fat fresh off the bone and the tears from a million scared children. Basically it smelled like Freddy Krueger getting a skin graft underneath a McDonald’s heat lamp.




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What An iDiot!


Tip: If you’re purchasing an iPad at a McDonald’s parking lot, you’re not purchasing an iPad.

A South Carolina woman learned that important lesson the hard way after she bought what she thought was an iPad for $180 from two men outside a McDonald’s.

During her drive home, Ashley McDowell opened the package containing the deeply discounted tablet, only to discover a blackened piece of wood with a stuck-on Apple logo cutout.

The search is now on for the two suspects, one of whom McDowell told police “had a gold tooth.”
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Fuck You Officer...Literally!


A New Mexico State Police officer was recently caught on camera sexually serving (and hopefully protecting) on the hood of a car while in uniform



A camera that was set up at Santa Fe County Ranch to catch taggers instead caught the officer reading a trick’s chocha her rights with his peen. The Santa Fe County Sheriff’s Office put the officer on leave while they investigate to see if he broke any laws.

According to the Santa Fe County Sheriff’s Office, it was not immediately clear if any laws had been violated, but the officer in question—who has been put on leave—will face an internal investigation.

Three things:

1. I hope she got out of her speeding ticket, because that would be some wrong shit if he handed her one while she was cleaning her coochie with Handy Wipes.

2. Can’t he just say that he had reason to believe she hid a dime bag up her cooze and he is so devoted to getting the bad shit off the streets that he performed a cavity search with his drug-sniffing dick?

3. Whatever happens, Officer McSlutty and his ho should be proud that they made a horny blogger’s day. 


So kudos to this dedicated officer of the law who told a ho to raise her labia where he can see them before pulling out his baton and performing an internal investigation on the hood of her car! 
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The Shallow Man Movie Review: Cars 2


With “Cars 2,” Pixar goes somewhere new: the ditch. Reprising its least-inspired effort, the studio has rolled out an inferior encore. “Cars 2” is one “Cars” too many.

Is it awful? No, just humdrum. Does it look astonishing? Yes, but so do the “Transformers” movies. Will children like it? Yes, they are children. Is it up to Pixar’s standards? Not even close. Saddled with a hectic story, flat-lining character arcs and action sequences apparently conceived as levels for a video game, “Cars 2” is all motion and no emotion.

As we recall from his 2006 debut, Lightning McQueen, the speedy red racer voiced by Owen Wilson, was once a stuck-up sophisticate. When fate trapped him in the sleepy desert town of Radiator Springs, he lamented, “I’m in hillbilly hell. My IQ is dropping by the minute. I’m becoming one of them!” By the end of “Cars,” the hotshot had learned to take life at a slower pace, enjoying the homey burg and its amiable hicks.

For their second outing, Lightning takes a world tour with sidekick Tow Mater (a rusty salvage truck voiced by Larry the Cable Guy). They pack plenty of clamor and shtick but scarcely any soul. With his lowbrow pal in tow to provide dumb jokes, Lightning enters a globe-hopping Formula 1 race. With its elaborate international settings, the film feels more bloated than big.



The first film was a gentle satire of salt-of-the-earth Americans—and by extension the audience—that was executed with aw-shucks charm. The sequel piles on scenes of Mater’s inappropriate idiocy as he becomes the lead character and Lightning recedes to the background.

The country bumpkin is pulled into the spy thriller subplot through mistaken identity, and there we all are, trapped in hillbilly hell, our IQs eroding by the second. After brilliant films like the “Toy Story” trilogy, “The Incredibles” and “Ratatouille” celebrated excellence and sophistication, it stings to see a Pixar release champion a narrow, ignorant worldview.

We expect more than perfunctory time-wasters from the wizards who brought us “Up,” “Monsters, Inc.” and “Wall-E.” Heck, we expect more than entertainment. We view their films to experience enchantment. This time we get disenchantment. 

“Cars 2” is a dull ride.

Grade ★ ★ 1/2 out of 5 stars
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Epic Photo of the Day: At First I Was Like...


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The Meaning Of Elegance Finally Has An Anthem


The Empress of Lucite a.k.a. Shauna Sand is already the most beautiful goddess in the world, erotic cinema superstar, portrait of a doting mother, feminist beacon, Anna Wintour’s personal style icon, every flower’s inspiration, the only reason why the sun rises and now she can add musical chanteuse to her resume.

TMZ posted a tiny clip of the musical masterpiece that will soon go triple Lucite, climb to the top of every chart and also help to spike sales in penicillin eardrops. This is what it sounds like when doves ORGASM.



The window into elegant’s soul (or the “music video” as some you non-worshipers might call it) is called “Everybody Wants to be a Porn Star” and co-stars a Playboy model named Anna Garcia.

I’m not even trying to listen to you HATING BITCHES out there who are screaming that Shauna sounds like a baby Paris Hilton practicing her French while having a constipated moment on the toilet. YOU LIE. Shauna coos like a nightingale queefing and you can’t tell me otherwise.

This exquisite lullaby should replace every church bell and should also be played in all delivery rooms so that every newborn baby immediately knows that the world truly is a beautiful place.
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Kim KardASSian Returns To Her Porn Roots


It brings a fart to my asshole to see that Kim has finally returned to what she’s good at: slithering around like a fat fish dying in an oil slick. This is some public access soft-core shit from the early 90s.



Kim is as brave as she is untalented, though. The last time a gross, greasy pig crawled around like that in a KardASSian’s presence, Khloe galloped onto the set, grabbed it by its neck and dragged it kicking and squealing to her eating den. Where the hell was Khloe Kardashian when we needed her most?!

If you’re like me and made the mistake of watching that pile of ass lube, then I guess I’ll see you in line at the free clinic for an amoxicillin eyeball rinse!
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The MTV VMAs: Selena Gomez Saves The Day



Selena Gomez was one of the very few bright spots at the VMAs, despite the fact that I’ve never heard one of her songs or seen one of her videos. I’m not even positive if she has any. She might not even have a tongue for all I know.

But she seems to be getting sluttier by the minute, which is actually uncomfortable because she still looks like a little kid. Am I supposed to have sex with her or make teddy bear pancakes?



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The MTV VMAs: Demi Lovato Is Fat



Apparently a lot of people were talking about the way Demi Lovato looked at the VMAs, specifically about the weight she’s gained since leaving rehab, because she went on her Twitter and said…

Guess what, I’m healthy and happy, and if you’re hating on my weight you obviously aren’t. :)

She seems happy now, so good for her. And if she can find a way to go back in time to when being fat was a sign of status and privilege, she’ll be all set.





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The MTV VMAs: Nicki Minaj’s WTF Outfit


It’s like the entire country of Japan all jacked off on Nicki Minaj. I guess Miss Japan is going to have to find a new National Costume to wear to the Miss Universe pageant
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The MTV VMAs: Lady CaCa Is One Ugly Dude




Looking like a young Ray Romano’s failed audition for the Dustin Hoffman role in “Midnight Cowboy,” Lady CaCa busted into a way too long high school drama class monologue at the beginning of the VMAs.

You probably assumed she couldn’t get any less attractive, but then she went and brought back her “Jo Calderone” persona. She’s so ugly that when I saw her go on stage I literally died for 3 minutes.

For once, Brit Brit’s heavily medicated face said it all so I didn’t have to:


Britney is either wondering why she’s the one with a conservator and can’t even wipe her possum poon without a handler standing over her to hand her a court-appointed piece of toilet paper, or she’s wondering why the Middle Eastern mechanic she huffed freon with during her gas station hopping days is on stage at the VMAs.
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The MTV VMAs: Beyonce Says It All With A STUNT QUEEN Pose


Announcing you’ve got a womb full of baby on the cover of People Magazine or in a Tweet is way too simple and boogie for Beyonce. Bitch always likes to do things get extra. And so at the MTV VMAs, Beyonce swept in wearing a curtain from Holiday Inn and dramatically said it all by framing her holy baby cocoon.

The sky opened up, everybody fell to their knees, Kelly Rowland let out a holler from the basement that sounded like angels burping in unison and Three Kings rode in on Jay-Z. It was like the pre-show for the second coming. Or maybe none of that happened and everybody just looked at Beyonce like, “Bitch, why are you posing like my fat uncle after Thanksgiving dinner when he wants to show everyone how much crap he ate?”

Beyonce announcing it like a true STUNT QUEEN is just hilarious. Beyonce knew that everybody would lose their shit, shove it back up their asses and lose it again if she just coyly held it like that. I’m surprised a chorus of angel cherubs carrying adorable bundles of wigs with lips on them weren’t dancing around her. That being said, let’s all hail Beysus Jayssiah Oprah Carter Knowles (that’s totally what she’s going to name it).


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The MTV VMAs: Hosted By Rainbow Barf & The Jersey Shore Whores

If you forced me to make up something more boring than the MTV Video Music Awards, it would still sound a lot like the MTV Video Music Awards. It would be like, “a 4 hour TV show… filled with pretentious assholes flaunting their money… and getting awards for something no one ever saw.”


And here’s the Jersey Shore whores looking like the discharge that dripped out of Typhoon Mina’s pink eye. Correction: JWow, Snooki and that other one look like Typhoon Mina’s pink eye discharge. Deena doesn’t. 


If Punky Brewster threw a Rainbow Brite doll, Danny DeVito’s headshot, swap meet contacts, a patch of mangy wookie fur and her old prom dress into a blender, blended until it liquefied, poured it into an enema bag and then shoved it up her culito, Deena looking like that would come dancing out.
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Sienna Miller is AaaOooSome in Bikini Photo












video


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