Watching Kobe’s 81-point performance was both breathtaking and depressing. The only thing I can relate it to is an adult film. Then again, I relate just about EVERYTHING to the porn industry.

Watching Kobe put up 81 was like watching the girl who is going for some sort of porn record. There’s no joy to it, she’s just going through the motions with the only enjoyment being the completion of a goal.

Which is kinda depressing, no?

On the other hand, I find it hilarious when he tries to let his teammates run the offense for a few possessions then inevitably gets impatient and starts firing up shots again. It’s almost like a guy making out with his girlfriend and waiting for her to initiate sex. Deep down, he KNOWS it’s not going to happen, but he waits a few minutes anyway. Then he gets frustrated and ends up taking charge on his own.

Anyhoo, guess who’s dropping by the Big Dome on July 13?

Answer: Kobe!

So why am I so excited?

The dude once scored 62 in three quarters against Dallas, then 81 against Toronto a few weeks later. He became only the fifth player in NBA history to average 35 points a game (along with Wilt Chamberlain, Michael Jordan, Elgin Baylor and Rick Barry).

He made up with Shaq. He made up with Phil Jackson. He made up with Nike. He appeared on the cover of Slam Magazine with a Mamba snake wrapped around him. He did everything but make the obligatory cameo on “Will & Grace.”

No player took more abuse from writers, broadcasters and radio hosts, but Kobe seemed to feed off that negative energy. It was almost Lindsay Lohan-esque. And just when it seemed like he might wear down, he’d toss up another 50 just to keep you on your toes.

Kobe is relentless. That’s the best way to describe him.

He’s the best all-around player in the league, the best scorer, the best competitor, and the one guy who terrifies everyone else. He’s a 5-time NBA champion, he’s the Black Mamba, he’s Kobe Fucking Bryant, bitches!

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