Today isn’t the day we’re all sucked into a cloud factory above the skies where angel robots made from old DOS machine sort of us into two piles (bad whores, good whores) before dropping the bad whores into a trash chute to the underworld and sending the good whores to frolic in the promise land that is a giant replica of Scarlett Johansson’s breasts.
No, sadly, today isn’t that day. But for those of you who want to see what The Rapture is going to look like, I present Beyonce’s video for “Run the World (Girls),” which is like the Apocalypse as seen through the eyes of a House of Dereon seamstress who gets whipped in the eyes with a weave track every time she makes the slightest wince at Tina Knowles’ fucked-up designs.
To me, the song still sounds like an elephant stomping on a kazoo in the middle of a fart contest and the video isn’t helping. It’s like every post-apocalyptic movie, blended with Cirque du Soleil’s KÀ and wrapped in a thick blanket of Vogue magazine’s worst photo shoots.
The giant hyenas (which were later skinned for wigs)? Sand fucking a giant Zen garden (at the 3:26 mark)? THE FUCK?!
Well, at least when The Rapture comes eventually, I can look Beyonce in the eyes just as she’s about to enslave me and honestly tell her that her Mighty Morphin Power Rangers gown (at the 2:49 mark) is hot. But that’s about it.
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