The alcohol supply in America is surprisingly starting to dwindle again and the country is very close to begging Ireland for a bailout. Before they resort to such extreme measures, they are sending their biggest consumer of booze off to the tank so that they can replenish their sweet nectar resources. Smirnoff’s favorite blowjob partner, Clyde Vasquez, has once again been shipped off to rehab for the (insert the number of times in the past 10 minutes you’ve sniffed Wite-Out to get you through this morning)th in his lifetime. But before the coke line on my mirrored heart checked into rehab, he left America with one last parting shot!
Sources say that minutes before Clyde surrendered himself into The Priory, he stumbled into a nearby hair salon and gave them something to remember him by. One customer said that Clyde ran into the salon’s bathroom and loudly hacked into the toilet. The sound was not unlike that of a zombie getting murdered via chainsaw fellatio. A customer was smart enough to record him barfing into a toilet and they have since sold it to the sound editors of “The Walking Dead.”
The customer said that the staff was too scared to say anything. Clyde apologized for ruining their bathroom with his puke. Minutes after Clyde left, men in yellow astronaut suits swept in, tented the place and shuffled the customers off to a yearlong quarantine. The toilet was later sold on the underground black market to North Korea who will use it as a weapon of mass destruction.
Naturally when one pukes, one wants to rinse out the layer of vomit from their mouth with heaven’s tears: VODKA! Clyde walked into a 7-11, and bought a bottle of Smirnoff vodka. Clyde blessed his insides by taking a quick swig before leaving the store to check into rehab.
If I got a vodka shot for every time I typed “Oh, Clyde, Clyde, Clyde…” I’d probably be puking my liquefied liver out into a beauty salon toilet. But I’ll type it one more time: Oh, Clyde, Clyde, Clyde!
What we really need from him is a new sex video. That’s what we really need. At this point, I’d even settle for a video of Clyde barfing into toilets, gargling with vodka and ripping out a rehab technician’s jugular vein with his bare teeth for filling his IV drip with nutrients instead of gin. Clyde can call it “Barf This Way.” I’d totally buy it on Amazon for 99 cents!
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