Hot Slut Of The Day!

Pinch your nipples, kick up your left heel and softly breathe out the name “Jonté Moaning” like you’re trying to make a candle flame dance without putting it out. THAT is what it sounds like when sequins orgasm. It’s also the name of the chocolate unicorn who taught Beyonce and Janet Jackson how to whip the air with their hip swirls. And when he’s not doing that, he’s giving the people of Japan a glitter overdose they don’t want to come out of.

Jonté Moaning is pretty much the Lady Gaga of Japan, proving that the rest of the world should just let Japan make the decision as to which pop star gets to sit at the top of the rainbow, because they are never wrong. Speaking of rainbows, I have never craved chocolate covered Skittles until I got me a sliver of Jonté.

The pixie sprite love child of a Max Headroom and Jay Manuel/Jermaine Jackson swirl (see pic below) LIVES and we should all fall back as he covers us with rhinestone dust.

Jonté is always sashaying THIS way, okay?

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Evil Cheenee

Evil Cheenee is the worst dog you will ever meet! I truly believe our new Shih Tzu comes from the belly of Hell and is on this land to spread the work of Satan!

Last Sunday when I refused to give him a piece of my dinner, he walked to the other side of me, looked me straight in the face and peed like a girl dog on the floor while giving me eyes that clearly said: “Drop that fork, get on your knees and clean this up, bitch!”

Plus, he looks older than his years, has wonky teeth, bad breath and bad attitude. Evil Cheenee is kind of like the Avril Lavigne of dogs.
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Clyde’s One Last Shot For The Road!

The alcohol supply in America is surprisingly starting to dwindle again and the country is very close to begging Ireland for a bailout. Before they resort to such extreme measures, they are sending their biggest consumer of booze off to the tank so that they can replenish their sweet nectar resources. Smirnoff’s favorite blowjob partner, Clyde Vasquez, has once again been shipped off to rehab for the (insert the number of times in the past 10 minutes you’ve sniffed Wite-Out to get you through this morning)th in his lifetime. But before the coke line on my mirrored heart checked into rehab, he left America with one last parting shot!

Sources say that minutes before Clyde surrendered himself into The Priory, he stumbled into a nearby hair salon and gave them something to remember him by. One customer said that Clyde ran into the salon’s bathroom and loudly hacked into the toilet. The sound was not unlike that of a zombie getting murdered via chainsaw fellatio. A customer was smart enough to record him barfing into a toilet and they have since sold it to the sound editors of “The Walking Dead.”

The customer said that the staff was too scared to say anything. Clyde apologized for ruining their bathroom with his puke. Minutes after Clyde left, men in yellow astronaut suits swept in, tented the place and shuffled the customers off to a yearlong quarantine. The toilet was later sold on the underground black market to North Korea who will use it as a weapon of mass destruction.

Naturally when one pukes, one wants to rinse out the layer of vomit from their mouth with heaven’s tears: VODKA! Clyde walked into a 7-11, and bought a bottle of Smirnoff vodka. Clyde blessed his insides by taking a quick swig before leaving the store to check into rehab.

If I got a vodka shot for every time I typed “Oh, Clyde, Clyde, Clyde…” I’d probably be puking my liquefied liver out into a beauty salon toilet. But I’ll type it one more time: Oh, Clyde, Clyde, Clyde!

What we really need from him is a new sex video. That’s what we really need. At this point, I’d even settle for a video of Clyde barfing into toilets, gargling with vodka and ripping out a rehab technician’s jugular vein with his bare teeth for filling his IV drip with nutrients instead of gin. Clyde can call it “Barf This Way.” I’d totally buy it on Amazon for 99 cents!
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A Cat Mom’s Love

By popular demand, here’s the video from The Vault of Adorable of a mother cat and her ginger kitten acting out my regular Saturday night. The mother cat is playing the role of me and the ginger kitten is playing the role of a bottle of Vodka Mudshake.

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It’s The Feel Bad Movie Of Christmas!

Since reading subtitles is stressful and it’s hard to focus on words when you’re trying to find the half-popped popcorn kernel at the bottom of a bag in a dark theater, Americans have done their own version of the Swedish movie “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” And here’s the first trailer for it.

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” needs an American version as much as John Travolta needs a plate of vaginas, but this doesn’t look that awful. I was all ready to write a 1,000-word hate essay about how I’d rather fuck myself with Swedish meatballs from Ikea than watch this mess, but director David Fincher, stars Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara plus Trent Reznor and Karen O’s cover of “Immigrant Song” have changed my mind.

The tagline is truly inspired: “The Feel Bad Movie Of Christmas.” This is definitely the perfect holiday movie to take my daughters to see right after I tell them that the SEAL Team 6 killed Santa Claus.
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The Shallow Man Book Review: The Little Prince

“Once upon a time there lived a prince in a planet far, far away.”

This is how the novelette “The Little Prince” did not start. True, there is a little prince in the book, and he does live on a planet far, far away. But this is a story for the grown-ups, and grown-ups need to be explained about the realities of Boa Constrictors and Elephants inside Boa Constrictors, and therefore, the story goes thus:

“Once when I was six years old I saw a beautiful picture in a book about the primeval forest called ‘true stories’. It showed a boa constrictor swallowing an animal.”

“The Little Prince” (“Le Petit Prince” for the puritans) is the story of a child whose innocence carries the wisdom of a million miles and a million years. It is the story of a boy who sets out on an unknown adventure in search of, of all things, a sheep. Yes, a sheep, so that it could eat away little baobabs before they grew too big. A little complicated, is it? But of course, you are only a grown-up after all.

Our author is a grown-up, too. But somewhere, deep inside, he retains that shrunk down, child-like heart, and therefore the questions of The Little Prince only amaze but never confound him. Our author goes by the name of Antoine de Saint Exupery, the aviator. He has done big things as all grown ups do–flew planes, rescued doomed pilots in the desert, pioneered the mail route from France to South America–the things that bring money, fame and prestige. He has also done the little things that all little ones do–sketched pictures, understood the simple things like love and sorrow, scribbled crazy words on crazier sheets of paper–and he did all that when he was a grown up. Somewhere down the line he also scribbled down “Le Petit Prince.”

The story of The Little Prince first occurred to Saint Exupery when he was downed in an air crash over the Sahara desert–for years later he doodled pictures of a blond child with tussled hair, his comforter flowing in the breeze of some distant planet. And in 1943, the Prince emerged in our planet archives, as little more than a book, and a little less than the Holy Bible. It is more than a book, inasmuch as it does not take recourse to high-flown verses and yet has a story to tell, a tale to weave that can perhaps move the coldest heart. It is also less than the Bible, inasmuch as it does not speak of ritualistic spiritualism; it dwells instead on the strength of hope that lingers within the mortal spirit. So when the prince says, “water may also be good for the heart…” we know that he speaks of a heart that is independent of cholesterol and fatty acids. And when he utters “the men where you live grow five thousand roses in the same garden…and they do not find what they are looking for…” one begins to understand the sorrow that each one of us feels but cannot comprehend.

The novelette barely stretches to a hundred pages, but what a fantastic hundred pages they are. As one flips through the words, watching the prince ridicule the foundations of the modern era, namely power, wealth, fame and despair through his innocence, one begins to realize the hopelessness of hope itself, for our hopes are pinned on those very foundations which, unfortunately, hold little meaning to a naïve, vain rose who lies in wait somewhere for her hero to return home. And that is when one begins to respect responsibilities; not the crudely defined responsibilities towards oneself, but the selfless responsibility towards those that one has “tamed.” As the prince did:

“I’m beginning to understand,” said the little prince. “There is a flower… I think she has tamed me…”

The fox became silent and gazed for a long time at The Little Prince.

“I beg of you…tame me!” he said.

“Willingly,” The Little Prince replied, “but I haven’t got much time. I have friends to discover and a lot of things to understand.”

“One can only understand the things one tames,” said the fox, “Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy ready-made things in the shops. But since there are no shops where you can buy friends, men no longer have any friends. If you want a friend, tame me!”

And that is how it goes. Little nuggets of wisdom delivered in an offhanded fashion, told through the words of a child, for it is a child who understands and values the absolute truth, the truth that goes beyond boundaries and beyond the self. The truth where one can love a rose and not be ridiculed, because in this truth the object of love is not important—what matters is that there is love.

As for myself, whenever despair strikes, I set out to ponder on the question that Saint Exupery sets out at the end:

“Look at the sky. Ask yourselves: Has the sheep eaten the flower, yes or no? And you will see how everything changes.”

And no grown-ups will ever understand why it is so important!

Grade ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ out of 5 stars
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The Shallow Man Movie Review: Kung Fu Panda 2

The roly-poly “Kung Fu Panda” returns for more adventures in a new sequel—but, like that kung pao chicken at the back of your fridge, none of it’s quite as crisp the second time around.

Once again, the cartoon features the voice of Jack Black as our obese, ursine hero (and a star-studded vocal support team, from Jackie Chan and Dustin Hoffman to Seth Rogen and Angelina Jolie). Also some lovely, Asian-inspired art. Even in 3-D though, things feel a little flat.

The story does feature a great new villain in an imperialist peacock, as voiced terrifically by the hissable Gary Oldman. Also a personal crisis as Po, the giant panda, suddenly realizes that the goose who raised him probably wasn’t his biological father. Duh.

The two stories come together as Po realizes he’s the survivor of a famous massacre, dating back to when—disturbed by prophecies of a black-and-white hero who would one day destroy him—the regal peacock ordered all panda babies slain.

The movie bumps amiably along while Po predictably meets the challenge, learns something about himself and ends the film with a big group hug. There’s a lot going on here. In fact, at times the movie feels as overstuffed as one of Po’s fave pork buns.

True, Black adds a lot to the movie’s comic texture, and Oldman steals the show as the supercilious villain. But the supporting cast is simply too big, while getting too little to do. Really, who needs Lucy Liu here? Or Jean-Claude Van Damme? Any voice artist could have done half-a-dozen of these characters, and better, too.

The verdict? The way to true inner peace comes from knowing that more doesn’t necessarily equal better.

Grade ★ ★ ★ out of 5 stars
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The Shallow Man Book Review: The Catcher In The Rye

J.D. Salinger’s “The Catcher In The Rye” is the favorite book of weirdoes, oddballs, and assassins everywhere. In high school, you’re inundated with books so far removed from your life and experiences that to actually be assigned a book that speaks straight to the heart of every angry, sad, frustrated, confused, yearning emotion inside you feels like a godsend and a revelation.

“Catcher In The Rye” made me feel like I wasn’t alone at a point in my life when I felt like the universe was conspiring against me. Teenagers of the world, J.D. Salinger gets you even if nobody else does. I will always be grateful to “Catcher In The Rye” for making my adolescence bearable, and I envy teenagers who have yet to experience it.

Grade ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ out of 5 stars
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Way More Than You Ever Wanted to Know About Hello Kitty

You know her name. You’ve seen her signature red ribbon. And even though you’re curious, you’ve never had the courage to learn more because you’re not a seven-year old girl. Don’t worry; your secret is safe with me. To help you out, I’ve come up with a list of everything you’ve ever wanted to know about Hello Kitty, but were too embarrassed to ask.

1. The iconic white cat is the primary spokesanimal for Sanrio, a Japanese company started in the 1950s to sell silk and produce. In the 1960s, they expanded their product line to include items that catered to the gift-giving tradition in Japan–usually small, simple objects that can be given to a friend for special occasions, holidays, or even everyday things like visiting their house. 

Most of Sanrio’s items at the time, like pencil cases and stickers, were geared towards elementary school kids and, almost by accident, they discovered that adding cute little designs and characters helped sales. When one of the in-house designers came up with Hello Kitty, the best thing company founder Shintaro Tsuji could say was that he liked it well enough.

2. Despite everyone calling her Hello Kitty, her name is actually Kitty White. There is some debate as to how she got her nickname, though one theory points to her 1974 debut on a clear coin purse with her picture under the word “Hello.” Teenage girls were immediately drawn to “the Hello Kitty,” and the purse became a bestseller.

3. In Taiwan, there’s a Hello Kitty Hospital! Each bed sheet is branded with Hello Kitty, as are the nurses’ uniforms and a giant Kitty statue greet guests in the lobby. According to a 2008 Reuters report, twice a year, people in character costumes come around and entertain patients.

4. Today, there are around 50 Sanrio characters gracing over 22,000 officially-license products. On average, the company introduces three new characters every year, while at the same time taking a handful out of circulation for a little while so they don’t over-saturate the market. All told, Sanrio’s annual sales hover around $5 billion dollars.

5. Hello Kitty and her pals are part of the kawaii (“cute”) subculture of Japan. “Kawaisa” (“cuteness”) appeared on the cultural landscape in the 1970s, when teenage girls began adding hearts, rainbows, and smiley faces to their writing, and even spoke in a sort of baby talk manner. 

This fad caused quite a bit of controversy among adults, but was adopted by companies so they could connect with young people just as they were becoming a force in the consumer market. As people realized kawaisa wasn’t going to bring the downfall of society, it became accepted and is now integral to Japanese culture.

6. There are a couple of urban legends about her origins that add a sinister connotation to Hello Kitty. One story says that a controversial nuclear power plant hired Sanrio to create a cute corporate mascot that would help soften their image. Another legend tells of a married couple whose only daughter was sick with cancer. In exchange for her recovery, the parents made a pact with the Devil that they would create a character in Satan’s honor that would be adored worldwide. As you might have guessed, neither of these is true.

7. In 2007, it was announced that police in Bangkok would be forced to wear bright pink Hello Kitty armbands as punishment for minor infractions. The plan was soon abandoned—according to NBC News: “There was a rebellion in the macho ranks, as well as outrage on Hello Kitty websites.”

8. She’s a clean slate! Hello Kitty and many other Sanrio characters were designed without a mouth so that the character could take on whatever emotions the viewer needs them to have at the time. Some believe this is part of the reason they’re so popular across generations and cultures–anyone can relate to them. (It’s also one of the things that Kitty haters say creeps them out the most.)

9. She looks suspiciously similar to a certain white rabbit. Almost since her introduction, children’s author and illustrator Dick Bruna has insisted that Hello Kitty and her pals resembled the design of his own cute creation, Miffy. First published in 1955—nearly 20 years before Hello Kitty’s debut—Miffy is a white rabbit with an oval head, small, black eyes and a tiny “X” for a mouth. 

Still, Bruna never officially challenged the designs until 2010, when he sued Sanrio for its character, Cathy, a white rabbit that is Hello Kitty’s best friend. The timing was a bit strange, considering Cathy was introduced in 1976 and has been featured on thousands of products over the last 35 years, but the courts still ruled in Bruna’s favor. Sanrio is appealing the decision, but for the time being, they’re banned from selling Cathy merchandise in the Netherlands, Belgium, and Luxembourg.

10. Hello Kitty has been featured in over a dozen video games, including her latest, Hello Kitty Online, a free massively multiplayer role playing game in the same vein as World of Warcraft. Players can adventure alone or join guilds to complete quests like finding all the ingredients for a special soup, delivering a pizza before it gets cold, or collecting wands that can be used to defeat monsters that guard treasure. There’s also the opportunity to build your own house, raise crops, adopt a pet, and customize your character’s wardrobe. 

For some of these perks, you’ll need to earn Sanrio Loyalty Points by posting videos, writing blog posts, and completing quizzes in the Sanrio Town website. Or you can spend real money to buy Loyalty Points at an exchange rate of 80 points for a $1. To give you some idea of the price, a typical in-game house costs about $5, not including furniture, which is, of course, sold separately.

11. She’s not just for kids. While most Hello Kitty products are made for children, as the brand’s customers have gotten older, Sanrio has catered to them with more adult-oriented products. For example, Fender guitars has featured a Hello Kitty Stratocaster, Neiman Marcus recently carried a collection of Hello Kitty jewelry with a top price of $5,000, Dr. Marten boots is currently selling a line of Sanrio shoes, and there are even Airbus airplanes with her image plastered on the side. There are also two high-end boutiques called Sanrio Luxe in New York’s Times Square and in Manila, Philippines, which feature exclusive, expensive, rhinestoned-out products.

This shift to more adult products has been a bit controversial, though. Hello Kitty thongs, Hello Kitty Wine, and a “Hello Kitty Massage Wand” (a.k.a. The Hello Kitty Vibrator), have been popular with adult female fans, but have been frowned upon by those who feel the brand should remain focused on its youngest followers instead.

12. Then there are the unofficial products. Of course you can’t be this popular without a few people jumping on the bandwagon. There are thousands of unofficial Hello Kitty products, like Hello Kitty bongs, Hello Kitty gas masks, and Hello Kitty handguns and assault rifles. There’s even a Hello Kitty-themed S&M room at one of Japan’s “love hotels,” where Japanese couples can rent a room by the hour for private encounters. Sanrio has tried to stop some of these copyright infringements, but there are so many that it’s virtually impossible to keep up.

13. Hello Kitty has quite a political career.  She has been a UNICEF ambassador to the United States since 1983 and to Japan since 1994. Then, in 2008, she was appointed as the official Japanese ambassador of tourism to both Hong Kong and China, the first fictional character to hold this title.

14. If you’re a Scottish Sanrio fan, you can get a kilt made using the Hello Kitty tartan. The pink plaid pattern was designed by Lochcarron of Scotland, the world’s leading manufacturer of tartans, and was officially recognized by the the Scottish Register of Tartans in 2004.

15. Sadly, not all associations with Hello Kitty are sunshine and rainbows, especially 1999’s “The Hello Kitty Murder.” The details are gruesome. You can read about it here.

Meet the Cast

This epic world of cute fuzzy icons includes:

Hello Kitty:
Kitty White is officially 5 apples high, weighs 3 apples, lives near London, her birthday is November 1, and her blood type is A. (Blood type is apparently important in the Sanrio canon; you have to enter a blood type when creating your character on the Hello Kitty Online game.)

Dear Daniel:
Hello Kitty’s unofficial boyfriend. His father is a famous photographer, which means the family has lived all over the world in places like Africa, New York City, and is now back in London. He’s an excellent dancer in styles ranging from ballet to hip-hop.

One of the few Sanrio characters marketed to boys, he’s a spiky-haired, rebellious penguin born on April 1. He has a “watchdog” that is actually an alligator named Pochi. He was honored as the official mascot for the 2006 FIBA World Championship Basketball Tournament held in Japan.

My Melody:
A rabbit wearing a red hood, second in popularity only to Hello Kitty, she even has her own line of products not sold under the Hello Kitty banner. She loves baking cookies with her mother, eating almond pound cake, and her best friend is a mouse named Flat.

My Melody’s friendly rival, this white rabbit wears a black hood with a pink skull. She loves reading romance novels, writing in her diary, and eating shallots.
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Voldemort Deathly Hallows Movie Poster

Here is the final poster in the newest set of Deathly Hallows promotional images. Just look at ol’ Voldy’s nose slits. Nasty bits, eh?

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“Can I put my Tinky Winky in your Po?”

When she was just 6-years-old, I told my daughter that the Teletubbies drowned in a hot tub and her show was gone forever. If you see Chloe, don’t say anything.

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True Blood: New Promo Poster!

True Blood stars Alexander Skarsgard, Stephen Moyer, and Joe Manganiello get their hands on Anna Paquin in this new promotional poster for the show’s fourth season.

The show will return to HBO on June 26. If you haven’t seen it yet, check out the trailer for True Blood’s fourth season.

P.S. Is it just me or does the True Blood poster looks like the beginning of the most graceful gang bang ever?
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Nuffnang and Hapee Special Screening

Nuffnang is FIRST CLASS because it’s the FIRST and leading Blog Advertising Community in the Asia Pacific region. Nuffnang serves ads by numerous blue chip companies like Nike, Citibank, Nokia, Disney, Honda, Samsung, and many more on over 200,000 blogs. Nuffnang also hosts all kinds of cool events to bring bloggers together.

Hapee is FIRST CLASS because it’s the FIRST ever Filipino toothpaste brand to hit the Philippine market. Before Hapee toothpaste, no local entrepreneur dared to challenge the foreign brands, which dominated the industry. The success of Hapee toothpaste encouraged other Filipino companies to venture in similar ways.

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More Strange Fan-Art

I have to say, this is the best collection of Fan-Art I’ve seen so far. It has the perfect mixture of Creepy, Awesome, Humor and “I Feel Funny” pictures.

Don’t Eat Pikachu

Unsettling Winnie the Pooh

Nic Cage and a Monkey

Christopher Walken Wonka

Sailor Disney

Skeletor Rockin’ Out

Mario has the good shit

Mickey is a Nazi

Marge Likes Being A Dinosaur

Realistic Ninja Turtle

Scar is also a Nazi
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How Did This Beauty NOT Win American Idol?

I’ve said this before, but without Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, I just couldn’t get into this season of “American Idol.” I’m being generous when I say that I probably watched an hour of the entire season. But I did watch last 30 minutes of the grand finale. And after doing this, my question is: What is wrong with you people?! Why didn’t Naima Adedapo wrap that shit up? Who could deny a vote to an alien who looks like the creepy blue chick in “Avatar”?

This is a travesty! I have no idea if her singing voice sounds like a deaf hyena getting choked out while trying to make a pigeon call, but “American Idol” hasn’t been a singing competition for a long ass time. It’s really a competition to see whose family members can put together the largest speed-dialing calling center.

Seriously, it seems like whenever they go to the contestant’s hometowns, they always show their friends and family DIALING FOR THEIR LIVES in some restaurant that has been turned into campaign headquarters. “American Idol” should only count votes from rotary telephones, because people should have to work for that shit. I want to see somebody’s grandma flip the hell out every time she dialed the wrong number and had to start again.

Anyway, Scotty McCreery won “American Idol” last night. If you ask me, the only competition he should’ve won is America’s Next Top Mad Magazine Cover Model. 

Yes, I watched him sing a bit, and nope, didn’t do it for me. In fact, he McCreeped me out a bit. Scotty looks about 30 seconds out of the womb and he has the voice of A MAN! There’s a reason why balls don’t drop during infancy. It’s so that your baby doesn’t sound like Barry White. But that’s just me hating again. I’m sure Scotty McCreery will have a career as big as the last ho who won “American Idol.” Whoever that is.
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