Candice Swanepoel: Supermodel or Stick Figure?


When your arms are a successful hiding place for your waist during a game of hide-and-seek, you know you’re a serious kind of skinny. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t end my nights by staring at Victoria’s Secret catalogs with light from an iPhone under my covers, so I’m not totally educated on the ins and outs of the body of Candice Swanepoel (who’s as skinny as a beanpole…or a swanepole).

But hasn’t Candice always been so damn skinny that you could use her hipbones as a step stool to climb up a palm tree and grab a coconut which you’d crack open on one of her razor sharp elbows?

(Side note: Candice would be awesome on “Survivor.” She’s like a human Swiss Army Knife!)

Even though I’m pretty sure that Candice’s thighs have never formally met, the likes of the Daily Mail are still crying out shit like: “Fears for Victoria’s Secret model: Candice Swanepoel’s shocking weight loss at swimwear photoshoot.”

And of course there’s a bunch of comments like: “EAT A CHEESEBURGER!,” “HANG OUT WITH KIRSTIE ALLEY!,” “GET HELP!!!,” “HERE’S AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR YOU TO USE!,” “MOVE INTO A BURGER KING FULL-TIME!!!,” “ENSURE IS YOUR FRIEND!!!,” etc, etc…

Some of them might have a point, but her metabolism was way too busy with shit to accept my calls so I don’t know. But I do know that Candice would make an amazing friend. Imagine walking down the street with her skinny ass and hos start throwing cheeseburgers, McDonald’s gift certificates, milkshakes and entire cookie aisles at her? Candice might not want that stuff, but don’t mind if I DO!
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