Things That Exist: The Madonna Biopic

The 1994 TV movie “Madonna: Innocence Lost” starred the amazing (sarcasm) Terumi Matthews. I don’t remember much about the cinematic wonder based Madonna’s life story that played on FOX in 1994, but I do remember that it did exist and it was mostly awful.

I also remember that Terumi Matthews reminded me of my substitute French teacher who drove a yellow Volkswagen and always told us how people would regularly mistake her for Gloria Estefan.

This is the same substitute French teacher that told the class that she was a major loser nerd in high school because she had a frizzy fro, wore glasses and had braces.

Meanwhile, there’s me with a frizzy fro on my head, glasses on my face and braces on my teeth. If only I had raised my hand and asked her how to say “CUNT” in French.

What I’m getting at is that Terumi really needs to top her performance as Madonna by starring in a FOX TV movie based on the life of my substitute French teacher who pretty much had a creepy shrine to Gloria Estefan in the trunk of her Volkswagen.

And no, there will never be a good enough answer to the question: Why didn’t Terumi Matthews go on to have a career greater than Madonna’s? I mean, behold this riveting scene where Terumi accurately portrays Madonna’s HATE for donuts…


“You failed at donuts, you failed at life.” Truer words have never been spoken.

P.S. If you need more of this poetic theater, it’s on YouTube in its entirety.
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