The Shallow Man Diaries (Part 4): Top 7 Things I Swear I Was in a Past Life

I was watching a special earlier this morning on Discovery Channel about reincarnation. So, without further ado, I give you…

Top 7 Things I Swear I Was in a Past Life

1. An exotic dancer. I don’t have the exhibitionist nerve that makes me want to be naked around people, but I have this need to lock myself up every once in a while and get jiggy with it. I must shake it.

2. A priest. Because my sex drive is huge, and I must have deprived myself for my whole life last time around to want it this much now.

3. A mommy. Every baby in every bus, grocery store, restaurant reaches for me. I am a nurturer out of necessity. It’s out of control.

4. A racecar driver. I speed like it keeps me alive.

5. A chef. I can be a damn good cook, and even when I fuck things up, I always manage to make one dish that saves the day.

6. A psychologist. I can have anyone I meet figured out in 2.5 seconds. That doesn’t mean I ever heed these perceptions, of course.

7. A rock star. I just know I was. It’s in me. I’m decadent and ridiculous and self-conscious, and every act ends up feeling like people are watching me and taking notes on the secret life of Joey, when really no one gives a shit. Plus, I’m obsessed with music. My life is all about music and sex and misery. And musicians always end up relating to me. A product of growing up around them—it’s a curse.

Maybe I was David Bowie in another life—oh, he’s not dead yet?

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