The Book of Winning: The Gospel According To Charlie Sheen

Coursing with tiger-blood, soundtracked by the screams of fighter jets, Charlie Sheen’s carpet-bombing of the global media village shows no signs of abatement. Thus, our chronicle of The Great One’s adventures continue...

Talking to CNN’s Piers Morgan, Charlie Sheen spewed a nonsensical river of crazed delusions. Charlie called Thomas Jefferson “a pussy,” said Alcoholic Anonymous is a “bootleg cult,” claimed that he has cured his “addiction” with his brain, compared himself to Marlon Brando in “Apocalypse Now” and said that Chuck Lorre (the creator of “Two and a Half Men”) is a turd clown. And that’s just the tip of the INSANEBERG.

Charlie makes Tom Cruise a.k.a. Tommy Girl look like the epitome of humble, and is pretty much on the same playing field of crazy as Mel Gibson. If you’re one of those patient people who calmly nods whenever a crazed crackhead shouts their conspiracy theories into your face on the MRT, then you might want to listen to this mess. But if the ramblings of a mad man cause you to chew your fingers off, then you should just stick to reading what Charlie a.k.a. Colonel Kuntz had to say about everything:

Charlie on how he’s the perfect human and is no longer denying it: “I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not just perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn. Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee.”

Charlie on how his haters are just jealous because our lives are full of ugliness: “They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

Charlie on how his veins are completely crack free now: “Newsflash. I am special and I will never be one of you. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. My success rate is 100%!”

Charlie on Alcoholics Anonymous: “I was shackled and oppressed by the cult of AA for 22 years. I finally extracted myself from their troll hole and started living my life the way I want to live it. It’s vintage, outdated and stupid and it’s followed by STUPID people. I hate them violently. They will come at me. Debate me on AA right now. I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it right now with my mind. I cured it, I’m done! ”

Charlie on his new girlfriend and porn star family: “Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don’t think the term is good enough, but when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it dude, I’m 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn’t lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I’ll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers.”

Charlie on how his ex-wife Brooke Mueller doesn’t want to hang with him anymore: “And I just gotta add this, there was a whole firestorm about Brooke being a part of our crew. Where there were four, there are now three. Goodbye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you’re going to need it…badly. She’s not there now and we are and I don’t know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules. Oops.”

Charlie on Chuck Lorre: “I violently hate Chaim Levine. He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I’d never want to be like. That’s me being polite. That piece of shit took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket, and, most importantly, my second family—my crew’s pocket. You can tell him one thing. I own him.”

Never have the words “WHAT. THE. FUCK.” been more appropriate. I think bitch has a hernia on his fucking brain.

And on a studio lot in Burbank right now, workers are slathering paint over the “Two” in “Two and a Half Men” and painting “One” in its place. *sighs*

P.S. If you scanned Charlie Sheen’s brain, the MRI screen would show a group of porn stars in “Apocalypse Now” drag shooting at turds while crawling through a trench of cocaine. Oh, and they’d have Thomas Jefferson’s face on their crotches.

P.P.S. When Sheen launched his Twitter account and began adding followers at an alarmingly exponential rate, it seemed obvious that he was well on his way to becoming one of the site’s most popular users. However, it’s likely no one predicted he would soon be a Guinness World Record holder for “Fastest Time To Reach 1 Million Followers.” Sheen also holds the world record for “Highest Paid TV Actor Per Episode—Current.” Though obviously that seems due for an update, in light of recent events :(
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